- 1 A love story ...
- 2 The break
- 3 The consequences of the discussions
- 4 Internal changes in the couple
- 5 The most common mistakes
- 6 The psychosocial components of love
A love story…
Roberto and Julia started a couple relationship three years ago. The first moment they met was like a true poem. Both were pleased not only physically but emotionally. It was one of those loves where they said they were made: for each other! They quickly made plans to get married and live together. However, a few months after the arrival of their first child, things began to get out of control and have now separated. The separation has made them think that reconciliation is possible and they are trying unsuccessfully some strategies that make them feel increasingly disillusioned.
It is impossible to go through life without having ended a good relationship or a bad relationship. And, in the psychological part it is very important go through a duel job, where positive and negative emotions towards the couple are analyzed, at the same time that we can say goodbye to it, to be able to close that emotional cycle and learn to live in gratitude for what happened when the duel closes healthily.
However fair when a separation occurs, the emotional pain will be proportional to the context that has kept the relationship with the couple. If there was already a wear of days, months or years the moment of separation is not compared when the loss is due to an unexpected event; the sudden death of one of its members or the sudden change of plans to leave the relationship. In the first case, chronic emotional attrition can make the separation live as a true liberation from the other.
Too there are couples who have been negotiating before separation, do not separate, but if one of the members is not convinced, it may be that in any case there is a break, because to dance you need two.
The consequences of the discussions
The process of separation not only affects the members of the couple but all who live in interaction in their environment, so making the decision to separate affects attachment relationships with: children, the political family, friends and even co-workers.
In the same way, the dilemma of… How will the goods be divided? Who is left with the house or who leaves? Who is left with the car, the furniture, the children, the friends, the membership? of the club, debts, even the pet ?. That is, in addition to the emotional part, the separation has legal, social, economic and even spiritual implications, which is why it often takes a long period to make the decision. Of course, the relationship can also be nuanced by the codependence between both.
Internal changes in the couple
When there is a separation emotionally we are out, and it can lead us to a meeting of contradictory emotions (positive and negative: I hate you and love you!) At the same time. Our brain has that ability.
Emotion means moving. They are diverse impulses that lead us to act. It can also be understood as an agitation or disturbance of the mind. They are states characterized by physiological activation (sweating, palpitations, elevation of blood pressure, variations in heart rate, production of cortisol, vasopressin and adrenalin, etc.), changes in facial expression (face of joy, sadness or anger), posture (tense and defensive posture) and subjective feelings.
- Primary emotions are: joy, acceptance (receptivity), fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, anticipation
- Secondary emotions are: optimism, love, submission, awe, disappointment, remorse, contempt, aggression (Plutchik, 1994) ...
The first impact is received by emotions, because they obey a more primitive brain, the second impact is received by feelings, then thoughts and finally behavior. So the sequence is: Emotion (experience "anger"),feelings ("I feel angry because ..."), thoughts ("He will pay me") and conduct (“As soon as I see him I will break his face). In the most severe cases, an emotion of sadness can even lead to depression or death (suicide and broken heart syndrome).
This is more complicated, if the person feels still in love with the former partner. Falling in love is an emotional state associated with euphoria, pleasure, eroticism, gratitude, happiness, ecstasy and other emotions. You can clearly distinguish a person who is drunk or someone in love ten steps away.
The act of falling in love It is present in different areas of people's lives: at a psychological, physiological, cellular, social, etc. level ... A state of falling in love is similar to the psychiatric picture called: "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (DOC)". Having it drives a person to act compulsively, repetitively and irrationally most of the time. In his positive version the lover can repeat a thousand and one times to the loved one: "I love you". While on the negative side, the same number of times the disenchanted person can say: "I hate you" (Barrera, 2008).
The chemistry of love and custom are alike, A person can go through three love programs: 1) passion is pure testosterone and those involved feel intense mutual desire; 2) romantic love, in this phase it is presented the oxytocin (hormone of calm, love and healing) when life plans or projects are shared with the loved one, and 3) filial love, the love, protection and obligations of parenting towards children are shared.
A person who goes through any of these programs and in a condition of separation can become materially ill with love or an attachment crisis.
Its consequences are reflected in states such as: depression, anxiety, anguish, nervousness, irritability, existential emptiness, anger, sadness, fear of the future, melancholy, feeling of abandonment, of missing the loved one, disappointment, episodes of violence (contained or manifest) against the ex-partner, disappointment , confusion, forgetfulness, contempt, and however contradictory it may seem in the positive, the couple is idealized and there are remembrances of positively lived episodes. The latter often occur unconsciously in dreams.
The most common mistakes
Thus, the control of our thoughts and under this condition of separation from lovers, is in the brain tonsil, the center of our emotions, deactivates the cerebral cortex and does not allow us to think clearly. This results in trying a series of actions trying to rescue the couple's relationship, without measuring the consequences. The following are the main mistakes that couples make after thunder:
- Fall into the blur and new account (the past is over and never again talk about it).
- Idealize the beloved person (Actually if we had a good time it is only a matter of realizing that we are one).
- Assume that by missing the other person you are deeply loved. Loving and missing are two different things (I feel a very deep pain every time I think about him / her).
- Going to bed with him / he looking for a reconciliation (We get perfect in bed).
- Deny that the break affected you (After all, it didn't hurt).
- Spend it cursing the other person forever for the damage he did to us (I will never forgive him).
- Keep in touch and worried as if they were still living together (I will call you to see how you are doing ?, just call to remind you that you need to pay your credit card).
- To think that a nail takes out another nail (Start a new relationship immediately after the separation, there are those who look for exnovios (as) or whoever, the fact is not to be alone).
- Keep in touch with friends or former political family to find out what the ex does? (I'm going to visit my ex mother-in-law, she was a good person).
- Try reconciliation by going on vacation together (Let's go to Cancun, we will have a good time there with the children and your parents).
- Send errands (mail, face, cell phone or twitter) wrongly so that the ex finds out about our mood (I sent him a message telling him how I miss him, but then I regretted him and spoke to him to tell him that it was not the message for him / she).
- Searching him insistently for assuming that he is the only person with whom a life project can be done (I believe that no one will understand me as he / she).
- Take him a serenade (I'm going to take Mariachis or a trio, to sing the songs he likes, I will sing them more myself).
- Blackmail him through the children in common (If you leave, you will never see your children again in life).
- Give yourself some time without receiving professional help (I have come out of other worse things and I don't need help from anyone).
- Continue to celebrate the holidays or other events as if nothing had happened, in short the list is endless (Where are we going to celebrate Christmas, the new year, the national holidays, the day of the bride and groom, your birthday, etc.?) .
The psychosocial components of love
Almost a decade ago, an interesting investigation was conducted on the components of love, which I bring up because of its current validity. Nadelsticher (cited in Díaz, 1996), found three basic love factors:
- Passion: formed by emotional interdependence, physical attraction and a low level of indifference.
- Privacy: conformed by altruism, admiration and be taken into account.
- Commitment: formed by the low distrust of the other, high mutual respect and low incompatibility in the objectives of the relationship.
Without falling at the end of give a definition of love and only for practical purposes the emotional actions that people try in a crisis situation in a break, have little to do with the mutual growth of the couple. For example, it is worth admiring or that we like the couple but when the other is idealized, the floor and reality are lost, because all people have virtues and defects. The ideal does not exist, the real yes, we are a person of flesh and blood and fluff in the navel.
The couple's relationship is two and if one of the two does not want to return, any attempt is practically impossible. When there is a break, it is very important to take stock of the good and the bad, go through a duel job and know that in the reunion of the relationship, things cannot remain the same. Finally, goodwill or the blur and new account without therapeutic advice or without analyzing the problems still unsolved, only complicates the relationship and both members will sooner or later get more hurt.Related tests
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